September 2009
22 posts
Phillips Affair With 'Schneider' Suddenly Seems... →
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - In the wake of Mackenzie Phillips’ admission that she had a decade-long consensual relationship with her own father, most of the actress’ fans agree that her long-rumored affair…
[audio] Ad: Phonics Rehab Center →
If your child has taken his addiction to phonics too far for his own good, enter him in the one detox program proven effective for all kids.
FDA Approves Cigarettes That Taste Like Ass →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Following recent news that the Food and Drug Administration has banned cigarettes with fruit or candy flavors comes word that the agency has approved the sale of cigarettes that…
Bikini Models, Midgets Highlight Next Shuttle... →
KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, Fla. (CAP) - With the number of space flights quickly dwindling as the shuttle program nears retirement, NASA is pulling out all the stops to ensure the project goes out with…
Mid-West Cooties Outbreak Tops 100 →
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. (CAP) - The government reissued its warning yesterday as four more children in Indiana were diagnosed with Cooties, bringing the total to 103 sick across eight states. Health…
GOP Health Plan To Include Public Torture Option →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - With support for their auction-based healthcare plan faltering, Republican House members today unveiled a new bill that incorporates a public torture option designed to limit…
Law Would Make It Legal To Spank Others' Kids →
COLUMBUS, Ohio (CAP) - Citing the need for the community to come together in an effort to curb the poor behavior of unruly youngsters, the Ohio Legislature is close to passing a law that would make…
[audio] Ad: Monistat 7 Flavored Gum →
Find it in the checkout aisle at your local grocer, right next to the Dentyne.
Grim Reaper Business Booming In Dour Economy →
FREEHOLD, N.J. (CAP) - As the economy continues to show some small signs of life, nowhere is that improvement more apparent than in the sometimes lucrative business of death. New Jersey-based Grim…
Williams, Wilson Launch Effort To Battle Celeb... →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The quest for good PR can sometimes produce some unusual bedfellows, a point borne out this week with the announcement that tennis great Serena Williams and South Carolina Rep….
Kanye West Bursts Onto Floor Of Senate →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Both Democrats and Republicans alike sat speechless on the floor of the Senate yesterday as churlish rapper Kanye West charged into the Senate chambers, rushed up to the podium,…
School Officials Protest iPod Nano Knife →
CHICAGO (CAP) - The Association of American Educators (AAE) has lodged a complaint with the Apple Corporation over its new, fifth-generation iPod Nano, which includes a retractable 2 1/2-inch steel…
GOP Health Plan Auctions Surgeries To Lowest... →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Eager to recapture the edge in its ongoing battle with the administration over health care reform, congressional Republicans have unveiled their own version of the so-called…
[audio] Ad: Living Hell Fitness Center →
Summer may be over, but it’s never too late to start that exercise regimen so you can look good all year round.
Stimulus Credited With Increasing Biden's Libido →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Six months after Congress passed the nation’s largest economic stimulus plan, the measure is contributing to what some believe is a correlated increase in Vice President Joe…
Retailers Launch Line Of Terrorist Clothing →
MALL OF AMERICA, Minn. (CAP) - Seeking to bring a dose of American capitalism to 11th century Arab culture, a retail conglomerate - including Spencer Gifts, Fred’s Threads and Federated Department…
Philip Morris Begrudgingly Declares Cure For... →
HENRICO COUNTY, Va. (CAP) - Following news that sales of cigarettes have hit a 55-year low and don’t show signs of rebounding, tobacco giant Philip Morris has announced what many have been waiting…
Survey: Parents Don't Want Kids To Know Prez Is... →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A confidential survey by CAP News shows that the majority of parents who are against President Obama’s planned “speech to students” are trying to keep their children from finding…
Palin To Pen Syndicated Column About Stuff →
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (CAP) - Former vice presidential candidate and Republican luminary Sarah Palin has signed a deal with the Tribune Co. to write a weekly column for eight of the media conglomerate’s…
[audio] Ad: HMO ER →
Check out NBC’s newest medical drama inspired by actual events from the ongoing healthcare debate - Thursdays, this fall.
St Louis Traffic Cone Arrangers Walk Off Job →
ST LOUIS (CAP) - Traffic into and out of St. Louis, Mo. was snarled for hours yesterday after the Union of Traffic Cone Arrangers called a strike and pulled its workers off the roadways right in the…
New "Speed Humping" All The Rage Among Singles →
CHICAGO (CAP) - Tim Evans zips up his pants as he steps through the curtain of one of the makeshift bedrooms set up off the main lounge of the Pink Monkey adult entertainment club. After giving his…