December 2008
23 posts
Giants Fit Randy Johnson For LifeGuard Alert →
Johnson’s contract also calls for a Lark scooter to help him get up and down the dugout steps, and negotiable time off for urinary tract infections.
Survey: Most To Start New Year Off By Vomiting →
The survey of 5,000 Americans showed that 84 percent plan to drink beer and/or liquor until they’re ready to “call Ralph on the big white telephone.”
Bush Admits He Was "A Million Times Worse" Than... →
In his new autobiography, the younger Bush says his lasting legacy will be that of having consumed more beer than any president before him.
[audio] Ad: DMV Playstation →
Are your kids bored with their Christmas presents already? Well, Mattel has the game that will keep them busy for hours.
Desperate Family On Fifth Day Without Cable →
Officials call it a desperate situation in the wake of last week’s Northeast ice storms, reminiscent of the suffering after Hurricane Katrina in 2005.
Bush Okays $4B To Bail Out Matchbox, Hot Wheels →
Executives for Mattel noted that it would allow the company to recoup the cost of this year’s holiday party without having to lay off any employees.
Google Purchases The Earth For Record $590.6... →
The acquisition marks the single largest purchase of a planet with inhabitants since 1922, and should be finalized within two months.
[audio] Ad: Robodad →
If you’re a single mother who could really use a male influence for your children, try this new kind of mother’s little helper.
Obamas To Exchange Snuggies For Christmas →
President-elect Obama said the oversized sleeves and the fact that it is machine washable are what sold him and Michelle on the gift for each other.
John Edwards, Reille Hunter Reunite For Holiday CD →
Unconfirmed sources hinted to CAP News that the CD is tentatively entitled, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas, If You Haven’t Changed The Locks.”
PETA Launches Anti-Santa Attack Ads →
The first round of ads will appear in Highlights For Children magazine, featuring the tag line, “I’d rather go naked than sit on that lap!”
Illinois Prison Warden To Auction Off... →
The winner of the auction will be granted first dibs to make Blagojevich his personal property, when the time comes that the governor becomes an inmate.
Senate Abandons Sleigh Bailout Bill →
The bill would have provided Santa Claus with the funding to perform some much-needed repairs on his sleigh in time for his trip around the world.
[audio] Ad: Elf Key Caddy →
Having trouble keeping track of exactly where you left your keys? Well, never lose them again with this handy little guy.
Spongebob To Tackle Teen Pregnancy →
In an episode entitled “Abortions Are For Sissies,” Mr Krabs deals with his daughter Pearl getting pregnant at the hands of his arch enemy, Plankton.
Interplanetary Coalition To Shut Down Saturn →
Preliminary plans call for each of Saturn’s 31 moons to be auctioned off in early 2009, with the planet itself being demolished later in the year.
Catholic Church Switches To Flavored Communion →
According to Catholic leaders, the first batch of new Communion wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz.
Violence Against Mall Santas Escalates →
Events at malls across the country follow a string of incidents wherein parents have threatened violence over the cost of a photo with Santa.
Report: Obama Not Most Well-Endowed President →
According to an eight-year study funded by pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, that honor goes to John F Kennedy, whose size was legendary around Washington.
Auto CEOs Planning Post-Bailout Bash →
Spokesmen insist that none of the bailout money will be used for the party, instead paying for it using $4 million already in their social events budget.
Fiscal Crisis Forcing More Americans To Barter →
A CAP News survey found that 1 in 16.5 Americans is hoarding supplies with the hope of using those items to barter with the other 15.5 people.
Palin To Extend Turkey Slaughter Tour →
The Alaska governor is plannig a holiday tour that includes a reading of “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” at a venison processing plant in Wasilla.
Men Actually From Pluto, Not Mars, Study Finds →
A group of psychologists and astronomers working from the same grant drew their conclusion by delving into updated astronomical and behavioral data.