September 2009
22 posts
Phillips Affair With 'Schneider' Suddenly Seems... →
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - In the wake of Mackenzie Phillips’ admission that she had a decade-long consensual relationship with her own father, most of the actress’ fans agree that her long-rumored affair…
[audio] Ad: Phonics Rehab Center →
If your child has taken his addiction to phonics too far for his own good, enter him in the one detox program proven effective for all kids.
Bikini Models, Midgets Highlight Next Shuttle... →
KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, Fla. (CAP) - With the number of space flights quickly dwindling as the shuttle program nears retirement, NASA is pulling out all the stops to ensure the project goes out with…
FDA Approves Cigarettes That Taste Like Ass →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Following recent news that the Food and Drug Administration has banned cigarettes with fruit or candy flavors comes word that the agency has approved the sale of cigarettes that…
Mid-West Cooties Outbreak Tops 100 →
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. (CAP) - The government reissued its warning yesterday as four more children in Indiana were diagnosed with Cooties, bringing the total to 103 sick across eight states. Health…
GOP Health Plan To Include Public Torture Option →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - With support for their auction-based healthcare plan faltering, Republican House members today unveiled a new bill that incorporates a public torture option designed to limit…
Law Would Make It Legal To Spank Others' Kids →
COLUMBUS, Ohio (CAP) - Citing the need for the community to come together in an effort to curb the poor behavior of unruly youngsters, the Ohio Legislature is close to passing a law that would make…
[audio] Ad: Monistat 7 Flavored Gum →
Find it in the checkout aisle at your local grocer, right next to the Dentyne.
Grim Reaper Business Booming In Dour Economy →
FREEHOLD, N.J. (CAP) - As the economy continues to show some small signs of life, nowhere is that improvement more apparent than in the sometimes lucrative business of death. New Jersey-based Grim…
Williams, Wilson Launch Effort To Battle Celeb... →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The quest for good PR can sometimes produce some unusual bedfellows, a point borne out this week with the announcement that tennis great Serena Williams and South Carolina Rep….
School Officials Protest iPod Nano Knife →
CHICAGO (CAP) - The Association of American Educators (AAE) has lodged a complaint with the Apple Corporation over its new, fifth-generation iPod Nano, which includes a retractable 2 1/2-inch steel…
Kanye West Bursts Onto Floor Of Senate →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Both Democrats and Republicans alike sat speechless on the floor of the Senate yesterday as churlish rapper Kanye West charged into the Senate chambers, rushed up to the podium,…
GOP Health Plan Auctions Surgeries To Lowest... →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Eager to recapture the edge in its ongoing battle with the administration over health care reform, congressional Republicans have unveiled their own version of the so-called…
[audio] Ad: Living Hell Fitness Center →
Summer may be over, but it’s never too late to start that exercise regimen so you can look good all year round.
Stimulus Credited With Increasing Biden's Libido →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Six months after Congress passed the nation’s largest economic stimulus plan, the measure is contributing to what some believe is a correlated increase in Vice President Joe…
Retailers Launch Line Of Terrorist Clothing →
MALL OF AMERICA, Minn. (CAP) - Seeking to bring a dose of American capitalism to 11th century Arab culture, a retail conglomerate - including Spencer Gifts, Fred’s Threads and Federated Department…
Philip Morris Begrudgingly Declares Cure For... →
HENRICO COUNTY, Va. (CAP) - Following news that sales of cigarettes have hit a 55-year low and don’t show signs of rebounding, tobacco giant Philip Morris has announced what many have been waiting…
Survey: Parents Don't Want Kids To Know Prez Is... →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A confidential survey by CAP News shows that the majority of parents who are against President Obama’s planned “speech to students” are trying to keep their children from finding…
Palin To Pen Syndicated Column About Stuff →
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (CAP) - Former vice presidential candidate and Republican luminary Sarah Palin has signed a deal with the Tribune Co. to write a weekly column for eight of the media conglomerate’s…
[audio] Ad: HMO ER →
Check out NBC’s newest medical drama inspired by actual events from the ongoing healthcare debate - Thursdays, this fall.
St Louis Traffic Cone Arrangers Walk Off Job →
ST LOUIS (CAP) - Traffic into and out of St. Louis, Mo. was snarled for hours yesterday after the Union of Traffic Cone Arrangers called a strike and pulled its workers off the roadways right in the…
New "Speed Humping" All The Rage Among Singles →
CHICAGO (CAP) - Tim Evans zips up his pants as he steps through the curtain of one of the makeshift bedrooms set up off the main lounge of the Pink Monkey adult entertainment club. After giving his…
August 2009
25 posts
Exploding iPods Part Of Microsoft Revenge Plot →
SEATTLE (CAP) - In what some are labeling an elaborate prank and others call corporate sabotage, sources close to the Microsoft Corp. say the software giant may actually be behind the rash of…
[audio] Ad: Hard-On Treatment Center →
If you’re having problems making sure your man stays small and uninterested, make an appointment with us today.
Govt Unveils New "Riches For Bitches" Program →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - With the end of the popular Cash For Clunkers program, which provided incentives for those willing to trade in old cars for newer, more energy-efficient models, Secretary of…
Test Results Reveal Brad Penny Actually A Girl →
BOSTON (CAP) - A source close to the Boston Red Sox has confirmed to CAP News that a physical carried out during the team’s pursuit of free-agent pitcher Brad Penny last December revealed abnormally…
Disney Channel Stars Actually Child Slaves →
BURBANK (CAP) - Evidence uncovered by a CAP News investigative team shows that the Disney Channel has been holding its young performers captive in a sort of indentured servitude, forcing them to…
Hasbro Recalls Jessica Simpson Baby Shampoo →
PAWTUCKET R.I. (CAP) - Days after pressure from parent groups forced Hasbro Inc. to pull a line of dolls based on the sexy girl group Pussycat Dolls from the shelves of toy stores, the Rhode…
Gangland Murder Tied To Facebook 'Goodfellas' Quiz →
NEWARK, N.J. (CAP) - A Bayonne, N.J. man was killed this week after a Facebook quiz convinced him that he was actually Tommy DeVito, the Joe Pesci character from the movie Goodfellas. “It was…
[audio] Ad: Care Less HMO →
If President Obama’s healthcare plan isn’t for you, go with the one insurance carrier sure to meet all your healthcare needs.
Wile E. Coyote Killed In Central Park →
NEW YORK (CAP) - Famed banal bird bagger of the surreal desert SouthWest Wile E. Coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) died last week in New York, according to his long-time agent Tim Springer. “Everyone…
Paula Abdul Lands Judge Gig On Obama Death Panel →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Recently departed American Idol judge Paula Abdul won’t remain unemployed for long, it seems. Following word earlier this week of the appointment of Dr. Jack Kevorkian to head…
Pitt, Jolie To Adopt Webster →
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Sources close to A-list couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie say the pair is moving forward with plans to adopt more children. According to court documents obtained by CAP News,…
Kevorkian Tapped To Head Death Panel →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a stunning reversal, the Obama administration today admitted that the so-called “death panel” against which Republican operatives have been railing for the past couple of weeks…
Mass. To Eliminate Dept Of Pubic Health →
BOSTON (CAP) - In a sign of the tough economic times, the state of Massachusetts will close its Department of Pubic Health, the governor’s office announced this week. “I realize that pubic health…
[audio] Ad: Stalkarazzi →
If you’ve always wanted to try your hand at catching celebrities at their best, you have to try the new game from Parker Brothers.
Obama Tells Everyone They Can "All Just Go To... →
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. (CAP) - A normally calm and collected Barack Obama had what can only be described as a meltdown of presidential proportions earlier this week following his town hall healthcare…
Congress Commences 'Cash For Condoms' Program →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Owing to the unquestionable success of the Cash For Clunkers program, Congress has announced a new similar project aimed at reviving the sagging prophylactic industry. Lawmakers…
Oklahoma Okays New Birther License Plates →
OKLAHOMA CITY (CAP) - A source at the Oklahoma governor’s office has confirmed to CAP News that the state will be the first in the union to officially sanction the so-called “Birther” belief that…
Dylan Xmas Album 'Last Straw' For Folk Festival... →
NEWPORT, R.I. (CAP) - Some of the same concertgoers who booed Bob Dylan’s first “electric” performance at the Newport Folk Festival in 1965 say the announcement that he’ll release a Christmas album…
Bill Clinton Makes Surprise Visit To Thailand... →
BANGKOK (CAP) - Fresh off his trip to North Korea to help procure the release of two jailed American journalists, former President Bill Clinton has returned to southeast Asia for a surprise visit to…
[audio] Ad: Spam: The Movie →
Coming soon to a theatre near you, it’s a movie 50 years in the making that will leave you quaking in your boots.
Slots Still Open For Al Qaeda Summer Camp →
CASAS ADOBES, Ariz. (CAP) - There may not be much time left for summer vacation, but there’s still plenty of time to sign your child up for a week of al Qaeda summer camp. With 14 locations around…
Study Supports Use Of Beer As Diplomatic Tool →
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. (CAP) - The scenes from the past couple of weeks are familiar. A president inviting two men to the White House for a beer to diffuse racial tensions. A Toledo mayoral…
Jury Orders RIAA To Pay $2 Mil For Being Assholes →
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (CAP) - A federal jury this week ordered four record labels to pay $2 million to a Rutgers graduate student who admitted illegally downloading music, saying that the Recording…
[audio] Ad: Peckers Restaurant →
Now’s your last chance to patronize one of the city’s unique landmarks before the economy claims yet another victim.
Obama To Share Spliff With China →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - As the U.S. and China continue with high-level talks aimed at forging a new relationship to help both countries work together better to fix the world’s toughest problems,…
July 2009
20 posts
Florida First State To Outlaw Urinal Chatter →
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (CAP) - The Florida State Legislature today passed a bill banning all urinal chatter and related noises in men’s public restrooms by a margin of almost three-to-one. The bill makes…
US Launches Clean Gas Station Attendant Project →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Barack Obama has announced a new $4 billion initiative aimed at improving the personal hygiene of U.S. gas station attendants and reversing what he calls a 30-year…
Goldman Sachs Engaging In Unregulated Baby Trading →
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new report out of the U.S. Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) suggests that investment firm Goldman Sachs has been taking advantage of loopholes in trading regulations…